Ready for a new Year~

Wow, I can't believe it's been since September since I have posted anything. We have been busy but nothing to major has been going on. I will try to catch up since then... We headed to Florida for Fall Break with Howie's sister and her family. The girls absolutely love playing together and I can't think of a better place to play than in Florida and on the beach! We also had great weather which helped a bunch too :)

Emma has now officially lost 3 teeth this year! I really can't believe she has lost so many but the two on the bottom already had a permanent tooth behind it so they were ready. She lost her first front tooth right before Halloween and looks adorable with her missing front tooth. We think the other front tooth will be missing soon as well. It's getting pretty loose as well.... Just part of growing up which on that front she is now 5! So hard for me to beleive that it has been 5 years already since she was born. What an amazing 5 years it has been as well.

We had Thanksgiving here at our home with Howie's family and then on that Friday we went to Nashville with my family. Something different to do on Thanksgiving but it was fun. For Emma's big Birthday party we had a pajama party / slumber party here at the house. Some think I was crazy to try it but it really, really did turn out great. We had 11 girls spend the night and for the most part it was the first time any of these girls had stayed all night somewhere other than with family. They all did great and not one fight or one tear that they wanted to go home!! I call that a success.

Christmas was exciting as always and Emma really was looking forward to leaving cookies and milk to Santa and all the fun traditions that go along with Christmas. Her special gift from mommy and daddy is a trip to Disney!! It will be her first trip and I can't wait to see her sweet face just light up when she sees everything down there. Our trip is January so I will post all about the fun when we get home.

December has been quite an interesting month for us. I won't go into much detail but lets just say the emotional rollercoaster that I would love to leave behind poked it's head this past month. Ever since Emma was born the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas has become extra special. She was born right after Thanksgiving of 2003 and there was a good chance she could have been on Turkey Day but she waited and let us enjoy our Turkey that year. Since then I really get sentimental around that time and it just stays with me. I hold onto those precious memories because I know she maybe the only miracle baby I ever have and everything surrounding her delivery was special.

I had a revelation back in December about my infertilty journey. I used to think that I didn't think about our situation everyday but then I realized at some point it does show it's ugly head. I then came to terms that it was ok. It is a part of me and has been a part of our lives for 9 years now. Some people may think that when you decide to close that chapter of seeking medical treatment you probably just give up the dream of having kids or you just get over the feelings, etc... Some women might but I haven't at least not yet. I realized it's ok that I haven't given up those feelings. They are my feelings, my story my life and I am allowed to have them. I don't let them control my life and my everyday living but they are present and sometimes more strongly than other times.

I have had 2 sweet and dear friends just go through IVF. Thankfully they are pregnant and are so blessed to have life growing in them. It's still a raw and very tough tug at my heart when I hear or see somebody is pregnant. How long will this last? I have no idea. I wish I could turn off a button inside my heart and be done but it's just not simple. As I have told some of lately, this dream of having children was very present before I had even met Howie. Being a mother of more than 1 child was a dream I had had for so many years and now that dream is being played out differently. I am so thankful for Emma and thank God so many times throughout the day for His precious gift when He answered our prayers.

In Sunday School today we were talking about how God's promise of not withholding any good thing from us. Sometimes he protects us by not answering those prayers we have in the way we want them and that is something I am working through each and everyday. He did answer Hannah's prayer by blessing her with Samuel and then with other children after him. Why hasn't God answered our prayer with a second child? Is He protecting our hearts from further heartache? Or is He teaching us to wait on Him and His perfect timing. We don't know and we probably will never know. Such a lesson in faith that I never dreamed I would be living.

So as 2009 has entered in and 2008 has ended I am ready for a new year. We know that there won't be any trips to New York City or back to Nashville this year for a certain purpose. We know that God is so good and full of blessings and love and grace. We know that we are so thankful for a healthy family. We know that we love each of you who has kept us in your prayers along the way. We thank you for those because I know they have helped me along some dark days and have lifted my spirits when I was in need.

I hope 2009 is a year full of love, blessings and God's presence in each of your lives~
Lisa

Happy Anniversary Howie!

Nine years ago today I became Mrs. Howard S. Harmon. It was an absolutely gorgeous September day with warm temperatures and bright blue skies. It was a day I had been dreaming about long before I met Howie and it was turning into the dream I had wanted and had prayed for. We had met the year before and our first date was on my grandparents anniversary. I knew it was going to be special just for that reason. It was quite an interesting first date. It was a blind date and 2 other couples went with us on our first date. Makes for interesting conversation with 8 more ears listening in :)

We had dinner at the Parakeet ( which is no longer open ) and went bowling. We became officially engaged on St. Patrick's Day 1999 in Louisville at a friends party. Talk about shocked! I knew he had the ring but just didn't know when he was going to give it to me. We had known since November that we were going to get married but we just kept that a secret for awhile. We went through some difficult times in January 1999 when my grandfather passed away and. How I wished that he and my grandmother could have been there with us on our wedding day. Howie is a complete gentleman and he went to dad and asked for my hand in marriage.

It's been an amazing 9 years. Full of excitement, love, disappointment and some heartbreak. We started off living in this sweet little home in Scottsville. It was quaint and perfect for us and our 3 dogs, Maggie, Jack and Greta. Oct 2000 we moved into my grandparents home in Scottsville. Oh yeah, did I mention that he had his gall bladder removed on our 1st anniversary!!

Living in my grandparents was a wonderful experience. We brought home Emma to that house so it made it even more special for us. It was an older home and with all older homes comes problems and we had our small share of them but it was still our home from Oct 2000 - Feb 2006. In Feb 2006 we took the plunge and moved to Bowling Green to our new home.

Howie is the most incredible husband and God truly blessed me when he brought him into my life. He is patient. He is quite funny. He is strong. He protects me. He loves me. He his a child of God. That is the most important quality I could have ever asked for. Attending church has never been a question in our marriage and God has truly been there for us so many times. Having to deal with infertility could have really broken our marriage down but all it has done has made us stronger. We have cried tears of joy and happiness over the birth of Emma and we have cried tears of sadness and disappointment over our failed cycles and our loss last year.

Through it all Howie has been right there with me supporting me and loving me and telling me it's all going to be ok ( and kicking me in the butt when I needed it ). I wouldn't trade him for any other man out there. He is my best friend. The one I can't wait to tell what happened on Grey's Anatomy ( like he cares ) the one I cheer with on Saturday afternoon while watching college football.

So, this post is for my sweetie. I love you so much and thank you for saying yes to that blind date 10 years ago. Thank you for asking me to be your wife... I love you!!

Lisa

Time to Catch Up

Wow, it has been such a long time since I have posted anything so I thought I would just do a little catch up. Life is certainly busy like it is for all of you I'm sure. Emma started a new preschool this year and she loves it. She is going 5 days from 8 - 12 and is doing great. Our morning routine has been so easy which makes things start off really easy around here. She is not a morning kid at all but she asked Santa for an alarm clock last year and Santa didn't forget it. She wakes up every morning to her music and gets dressed and comes downstairs usually by 7:00! We are also carpooling with another neighbor so we have to be ready for either them to pick her up or for me to get the girls to school.

She misses her old friends and teachers from Broadway but she has made some new little friends ( as well as a new boyfriend ) and she absolutely loves her new teacher!! They have already had several field trips ( which mommy hasn't missed a one yet ). They have gone to Hopscotch to see the clowns before the circus, the fire department and to Chaney's. She is also doing ballet again along with soccer. We only have 2 more soccer games this season. Emma loves whatever activity she is doing at the time and her little team has done such a great job this year. All of the girls will be at Briarwood next year for Kindergarten which is neat.

Howie has been doing good. He's been dealing with a back issue since the first of Aug. Just waiting for another dr's appt at the end of Oct to hopefully help with the pain. He hasn't been traveling as much so that is nice. Work is going well so that is always a blessing.

I have started back to my Bible Study on Wed morning and that is going great. Cindy is our teacher and what a blessing that is. She is such an amazing lady. We are so blessed to have her at Living Hope. I am doing good. I have my moments but I know that is just how it will be for awhile. Emma has a fascination with pregnant women and babies right now. She has always loved babies ( pretend or real ) and whenever we are out in public and there is a baby she is right up on them. It's precious to see but at the same time it's ripping my heart out. I need to go through all of the baby clothes I have hung onto but I'm just not ready to. The thought of opening up those tubs of newborn clothes just makes my heart heavy. They are just taking up space so I am in no rush to get to them.

I hope all of you are doing fantastic and are getting excited about the Fall season!! It's my favorite time of the year and I can't help to think back to being pregnant with Emma 5 years ago and enjoying every day of feeling her kick and planning our future as a family of 3 together. It's a time of bittersweet reflection but I know how truly blessed we are and wouldn't trade it for anything.

Love and blessings~
Lisa

New adventures

We have been on overdrive lately with summer coming to an end and no more sleeping late and Emma beginning a new preschool. All changes and for the good but still nevertheless changes and time to adjust. She started her new preschool on Aug 5. She is now going 5 days a week from 8 - 12. A lot of moms would be celebrating to have those 4 hours all to themselves and as excited as I was for by big girl to be heading off on a new adventure my heart was being torn. I have had my sweet girl all to myself for 4 1/2 years. Yes, she has been in preschool / mother's day out since August 2005 but that was just for 2 days a week.

When we signed her up in April I just knew I would be pregnant with our second child in August and I would be preparing our home for our newest family member. That void was all to present as we were preparing for her big day. Thankfully in a crazy kind of way I had my Chez Ami parties ready to begin that week so not much time during the day to dwell on what wasn't but the next task at hand.

Emma had 2 rough mornings at drop off but by the time I picked her up she was having so much fun and she loves her new teacher. She wants to stay at school now and not come home with me! I am thankful that she is having so much fun and she is learning and growing and most importantly she is healthy. Thank you God!!

She has also started her 2nd season of soccer. Last year we were having meltdowns because her friends were kicking the ball away from her. Now she in on a mission to get that ball in the goal! She is amazing me and her daddy every Saturday on the field. Don't know if we will have the next Mia Hamm but she loves it and can't wait to put her jersey on. The girls named their team the Ponies :)

She and I did have one special treat that I hope to turn into a tradition every year the day before school starts. Emma was treated to her first pedicure and manicure. Let's see how old was I when I had my first mani / pedi???.... She loved the attention and the nail tech was so good with her.

So life is back into a new routine and we are doing really well with it. Another adventure that Howie and I have taken on is teaching 3rd grade boys at Sunday School. 8 year old boys are nothing like 4 year old little girls. So far so good but then again it's only been 3 weeks!!

I hope and pray all of you are doing well and are into your new school year routine.

Blessings and love~
Lisa

Birthday wishes

I have sat and written and re-written this post in my head since Saturday night. I had debated about even posting these thoughts but here I am writing for some reason. Saturday night I was in Nashville eating at one of my favorite places with Howie, Emma and one of my best friends from high school. My birthday is today, so Andrea and I met and had an hour of spa treatment and then off to dinner. They brought out a dessert with a candle. Oh the traditional candle to make a wish with. Up until now I probably have wished every year since 2001 for a healthy and happy baby. This year I sat there not really knowing what to wish for.

When I was at the spa filling out my paperwork it asked if you were trying to get pregnant so they would know I guess what kind of treatment to avoid. For the first time since 2001 I haven't checked a box indicating that I wasn't trying to get pregnant. It was an odd moment that I hadn't expected to be dealing with. Are we trying or not trying. This is the next set of emotions or changes that I am having to deal with and that I am praying about. What do I pray about? What birthday wish do I make when I blow out the candle?

This is the time I have to completely let go and just know that God is in control and His plan for us will be carried out in His time. I have no idea if there will be another child for us. I have no idea when or if it may happen. For the first time since 2002 we have no plan. There have been plenty of times during the past 6 years we didn't have an active plan and whatever happened along the way would be fine. We have prayed and thanked God for another child and now I don't know if I keep praying for that or now is the time to stop praying for that one prayer request that has been on my heart all these years.

When we were married in 1999 I thought I had my life planned out like so many of us do when we get married. I was 28 and I had "planned" to have our first child when I was 30. Our second baby would come when I was 32 and our last kiddo would pop out when I would turn 35. Some plan that I thought was perfect. Little did I know that God would have something totally different in store for us. Now I am 37 and in my little plan I would have a 7 year old , a 5 year old and 2 year old by now. In God's plan and His perfect plan that it is, I have 1 precious and healthy 4 1/2 year old. A child that is truly a miracle.

What lies ahead of us is the unexpected but whatever it is God will reveal when His time is right for us. So tonight when we had dinner with my parents and Emma couldn't wait to blow out that last candle of my birthday no wish was made. Just a smile that I had my sweet girl to my left and my precious husband to my right and that I had another birthday to celebrate. That's enough to be thankful for.

Blessings and love~
Lisa

Has it really been almost 2 weeks?

I guess when news comes about that you don't want to hear about the time can seem to fly past at least for me it does. Life is back to normal around here which is good. So many of you have sent some very sweet e-mails and you all are so kind to keep asking how we are doing and you have no idea how much that means. Dealing with this situation has been easier than last year's and I am grateful for that. I am doing good and getting better each day.

I have to say though the part I wasn't expecting during all of this is coming from dreams. Almost every night since the 30th I have dreamt in some form or fashion that I am pregnant. I get all excited in my dream and start planning for our new family member and then I wake up and realize how so wrong that dream was. I really got mad last night and had a nice argument with the devil. I then prayed that God would either bless us with a real dream or let the dreams and this desire to please leave.

I know I have some emotions that I certainly don't want to have to deal with left and I know at some point I can't keep ignoring them and I will have to let them all out and cry about them and grieve for them and just keep pressing on. Please don't think that I am an emotional wreck because I certainly am not. I can say that I am happy. I have a peace and not an anger over what has happened. It is nice to know that I don't have to keep thinking about when we might cycle again. When I have to have my schedule laid out in front of me for doctor visit and shots. This part of this journey I certainly won't miss.

During my years of dealing with this crazy infertility journey I would post on one certain message board with other ladies going through this journey as well. I have not posted since our news and I have only read a few messages either. I miss that communication but I feel that I don't fit in anymore with them. It was fun to hear how they were doing and to encourage each other but I feel that road has come to an end and I need to find a new direction. Maybe one day when it's no so fresh I might poke my head back in.

On a fun note we helped raise money with hosting an Alex Lemonade Stand today in our neighborhood. We did this last year and we couldn't wait to do it again this year. What a perfect hot day it was to drink lemonade and I am so proud of our neighbors and the kids who helped this year. We raised $450 which I think is wonderful since we aren't on a busy road in town! All the kids this year helped and they had so much fun. They also understood a bit better what we were doing and who we were helping. Such a great lesson on helping others and working as a team!

I hope all of you are doing well and are enjoying the rest of your summer!

Blessings and love ~
Lisa

Thank you

Today is another day. I believe most of you may have heard the news by now but yesterday didn't go as we had hoped. Thankfully we received the phone call early in the morning so we didn't have to go all day sitting and wondering. Howie and I both are doing good. We knew after all of our past experiences that an IVF cycle has no guarantee with it's outcomes. We also knew that the outcome had already been decided by our Heavenly Father. It is disappointing that things ended like they did but we had already had a peace that whatever the outcome we were going to be fine and we would get through this.

I don't regret one second of trying one more time. Our experience was a good one and Cornell truly is an amazing place. I can't imagine going through this without having God on our side. Dealing with a negative outcome is such a disappointing loss but we have our peace and so many couples go through this without Him and all they have is bitterness and anger.

I am taking it one day at a time. Looking ahead is what gets me emotional, so no looking ahead and thinking what could have been. I know we may sound like a broken record but we give all the glory to God and His son for this experience. My faith is stronger today and will be stronger tomorrow. I know that God loves us and He truly has blessed us with a perfect and healthy daughter and that is so much more than some couples have.

We thank you each and love each one of you for your continued prayers and support. Nighttime has been rough patch. I wake up from sleep and my mind just races and I just have to stop and pray that God will stop my racing mind and let me fall back to sleep. Emma and I have a month before she heads back to preschool. She is going to a new school this year so pray for an easy transition for her ( and for mommy too ). This was a time I thought I would be preparing for a new baby to enter our home while she was away and now my days will be spent with other activities ( such as keeping this house in order! )

I may continue from time to time to right on the blog. It has been a good outlet of emotions from the past few weeks. I do have so much to be thankful for and I have learned not to take any of life's blessing for granted.

Love and blessings~
Lisa