This is definitely not the time to be writing as I need to be getting ready for church but I had what hopefully will be a life changing moment this morning while of course taking a shower. I have become the not so neat or organized wife and mother that I need to be. I don't know why I have let things pile up and have not taken better care of things. I certainly have plenty of time on my hands to get things finished. I have one child who is at the age of being able to do for herself. I am fortunate to be able to stay home with her so where does my time go? I think of the moms who have to work and they are able to stay on top of it all.
Howie pointed out the other day that I really haven't put my touches on the house yet. I haven't bought many accessories or have hung many pictures. He said it was like I wasn't emotionally attached to the house. It hurt a little but was a little shocking. I have thought over and over about that comment and then this morning everything sort of made sense to me.
I guess I feel like a part of me is still missing since I have not been able to have another child. It's been waiting for the next piece of the puzzle to fall into place and it will all be complete. Well sweet Lisa it may never happen and it's time to get over it and get on with your life whether you realize that you haven't done so already. I guess I didn't realize even in the subconscious how much infertility plays with you and affects you. This is the first year in about 8 that we know that we are done with the medical community. So once again I am in a way grieving that part of our life. It was something we had to look forward to because we knew going through another cycle and with God's hand involved we just might have that second baby.
There are no doctors this year and I am beginning to go through the paperwork for taxes and once again it will bring everything that we went through back up again. Hopefully now I will be better prepared for the emotional roller coaster it could possibly put me on.
This post might sound like a lady who is crazy but it has helped me more than any of you could possibly realize. Now I just have to pick up and start living again and stop waiting for something that might not ever happen. I have a daughter who will start Kindergarten next year and she will be gone all day. I had thought I would have had another muchkin around here to be chasing after while she was off to school so there are plenty of areas that remind me daily of what I feel like is missing. I think it's ok to miss it but I just can't let it lead my life and direct the choices I make or don't make, such as stay on top of the paperwork :)
All of this got started because of some crazy list for Facebook. There's a post going around where you write 25 Random things about yourself. I wrote my list last night on paper and have pondered some thoughts that came from it. So because of that Random list here I am this morning. With tears falling but feeling a load off my chest and hopefully a new life and new plan for mine for 2009~
Blessing and love~
Lisa
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2 comments:
So, all this does is leave me waiting for your facebook list...post it!
*Jeanna
Isn't it amazing what blogging can do for the soul? It lets you get things out. You guys are in my prayers. Thank you for your sweet words--it hasn't hit me yet that he's not going to come through the door for at least 26 more weeks. Not that I'm counting or anything. ;) Even when he's in Washington, he's gone a lot for work-ups, which last for a few weeks each. I just keep thinking that I'm going to hear the garage door go up, and his boots clomp up the steps. I hope that you have a better week, and things just start looking brighter and brighter. Love, Christina
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