Birthday wishes

I have sat and written and re-written this post in my head since Saturday night. I had debated about even posting these thoughts but here I am writing for some reason. Saturday night I was in Nashville eating at one of my favorite places with Howie, Emma and one of my best friends from high school. My birthday is today, so Andrea and I met and had an hour of spa treatment and then off to dinner. They brought out a dessert with a candle. Oh the traditional candle to make a wish with. Up until now I probably have wished every year since 2001 for a healthy and happy baby. This year I sat there not really knowing what to wish for.

When I was at the spa filling out my paperwork it asked if you were trying to get pregnant so they would know I guess what kind of treatment to avoid. For the first time since 2001 I haven't checked a box indicating that I wasn't trying to get pregnant. It was an odd moment that I hadn't expected to be dealing with. Are we trying or not trying. This is the next set of emotions or changes that I am having to deal with and that I am praying about. What do I pray about? What birthday wish do I make when I blow out the candle?

This is the time I have to completely let go and just know that God is in control and His plan for us will be carried out in His time. I have no idea if there will be another child for us. I have no idea when or if it may happen. For the first time since 2002 we have no plan. There have been plenty of times during the past 6 years we didn't have an active plan and whatever happened along the way would be fine. We have prayed and thanked God for another child and now I don't know if I keep praying for that or now is the time to stop praying for that one prayer request that has been on my heart all these years.

When we were married in 1999 I thought I had my life planned out like so many of us do when we get married. I was 28 and I had "planned" to have our first child when I was 30. Our second baby would come when I was 32 and our last kiddo would pop out when I would turn 35. Some plan that I thought was perfect. Little did I know that God would have something totally different in store for us. Now I am 37 and in my little plan I would have a 7 year old , a 5 year old and 2 year old by now. In God's plan and His perfect plan that it is, I have 1 precious and healthy 4 1/2 year old. A child that is truly a miracle.

What lies ahead of us is the unexpected but whatever it is God will reveal when His time is right for us. So tonight when we had dinner with my parents and Emma couldn't wait to blow out that last candle of my birthday no wish was made. Just a smile that I had my sweet girl to my left and my precious husband to my right and that I had another birthday to celebrate. That's enough to be thankful for.

Blessings and love~
Lisa

Has it really been almost 2 weeks?

I guess when news comes about that you don't want to hear about the time can seem to fly past at least for me it does. Life is back to normal around here which is good. So many of you have sent some very sweet e-mails and you all are so kind to keep asking how we are doing and you have no idea how much that means. Dealing with this situation has been easier than last year's and I am grateful for that. I am doing good and getting better each day.

I have to say though the part I wasn't expecting during all of this is coming from dreams. Almost every night since the 30th I have dreamt in some form or fashion that I am pregnant. I get all excited in my dream and start planning for our new family member and then I wake up and realize how so wrong that dream was. I really got mad last night and had a nice argument with the devil. I then prayed that God would either bless us with a real dream or let the dreams and this desire to please leave.

I know I have some emotions that I certainly don't want to have to deal with left and I know at some point I can't keep ignoring them and I will have to let them all out and cry about them and grieve for them and just keep pressing on. Please don't think that I am an emotional wreck because I certainly am not. I can say that I am happy. I have a peace and not an anger over what has happened. It is nice to know that I don't have to keep thinking about when we might cycle again. When I have to have my schedule laid out in front of me for doctor visit and shots. This part of this journey I certainly won't miss.

During my years of dealing with this crazy infertility journey I would post on one certain message board with other ladies going through this journey as well. I have not posted since our news and I have only read a few messages either. I miss that communication but I feel that I don't fit in anymore with them. It was fun to hear how they were doing and to encourage each other but I feel that road has come to an end and I need to find a new direction. Maybe one day when it's no so fresh I might poke my head back in.

On a fun note we helped raise money with hosting an Alex Lemonade Stand today in our neighborhood. We did this last year and we couldn't wait to do it again this year. What a perfect hot day it was to drink lemonade and I am so proud of our neighbors and the kids who helped this year. We raised $450 which I think is wonderful since we aren't on a busy road in town! All the kids this year helped and they had so much fun. They also understood a bit better what we were doing and who we were helping. Such a great lesson on helping others and working as a team!

I hope all of you are doing well and are enjoying the rest of your summer!

Blessings and love ~
Lisa

Thank you

Today is another day. I believe most of you may have heard the news by now but yesterday didn't go as we had hoped. Thankfully we received the phone call early in the morning so we didn't have to go all day sitting and wondering. Howie and I both are doing good. We knew after all of our past experiences that an IVF cycle has no guarantee with it's outcomes. We also knew that the outcome had already been decided by our Heavenly Father. It is disappointing that things ended like they did but we had already had a peace that whatever the outcome we were going to be fine and we would get through this.

I don't regret one second of trying one more time. Our experience was a good one and Cornell truly is an amazing place. I can't imagine going through this without having God on our side. Dealing with a negative outcome is such a disappointing loss but we have our peace and so many couples go through this without Him and all they have is bitterness and anger.

I am taking it one day at a time. Looking ahead is what gets me emotional, so no looking ahead and thinking what could have been. I know we may sound like a broken record but we give all the glory to God and His son for this experience. My faith is stronger today and will be stronger tomorrow. I know that God loves us and He truly has blessed us with a perfect and healthy daughter and that is so much more than some couples have.

We thank you each and love each one of you for your continued prayers and support. Nighttime has been rough patch. I wake up from sleep and my mind just races and I just have to stop and pray that God will stop my racing mind and let me fall back to sleep. Emma and I have a month before she heads back to preschool. She is going to a new school this year so pray for an easy transition for her ( and for mommy too ). This was a time I thought I would be preparing for a new baby to enter our home while she was away and now my days will be spent with other activities ( such as keeping this house in order! )

I may continue from time to time to right on the blog. It has been a good outlet of emotions from the past few weeks. I do have so much to be thankful for and I have learned not to take any of life's blessing for granted.

Love and blessings~
Lisa

The emotional toll

I don't even know if I will publish this post or not. I so hate the days of when the emotional heaviness comes weighing down on me. Nothing big has happened. I haven't taken one of the home pregnancy test. Nobody has said anything to make me upset. It's just another day and for some reason it has come with full emotion.

Emma is at a friends house so it's just me with my thoughts and the house is quite. I have been praying that God would take away these feelings and tears and bring peace. I am not feeling that this cycle hasn't worked even, so no negativity. Just heaviness of what we have been through yet once again. Three days away of knowing if our family will add more child to the Harmon Family. Three days away of knowing our dream has ended for the time being. I haven't had a good cry during this cycle so I guess I am allowed one good cry and today is it.

I am ready to accept whatever God has in store for us. I am ready to accept with open arms another child and I am ready to accept if this chapter is to end. I know without question that God will provide for us peace and comfort on Monday. He has been so good to us and He loves us and He cares so much for us.

So I have rambled on and it has helped to write out these feelings today. I already feel better and I know that God is it work bringing that peace to me.

Three more days....

Love and blessings ~
Lisa

Getting back to normal

It's Thursday and Monday seriously can't get here fast enough. I don't normally like to wish away days and time but right now I would love to wake up and have Monday morning right here waiting for us. I am doing good about being patient but some moments are tougher than others.

I am feeling good. I have those mystery symptoms that could be real or just my head playing tricks on me. I have been trying to keep Emma as active as possible with swimming and playing with her friends. Thankfully she hasn't been asking many questions which is good. She knows that I can't pick her up or swim right now.

So now we just keep going with our somewhat regular routine. I have been trying to keep it low key just until we know something. I will on in Monday to my doctor here in town and have blood work. They will fax the info to Cornell but I did ask for them to call me as soon as they here from the lab. Cornell is known for calling later in the day for anything and I would love to hear the news earlier so the wait will be over :)

Hope all of you have a wonderful weekend and thanks for still checking on us!!

Love and blessings ~
Lisa

We are back home!

How sweet it was to pull into our driveway this afternoon. We had an easy flight home and Howard, Brenda and Emma were waiting for us at the airport. Words can't describe how excited I was to see Emma!! I have missed her so much this last week but you couldn't tell that she had missed us for one second. I guess that's good :) She has had so much fun with her grandparents this week.

Howie is wiped out and I am about there too. I know we have said it a dozen times but we can't thank each of you enough for your prayers and notes while we were away. We definitely felt the presence of our precious Lord during all journey away from home.

We can't wait to see everybody back home!! Hope all of you are doing well and enjoying the summer months.

Love and blessings ~
Lisa

Dogs, Dogs and more Dogs

Big dogs. Little dogs. Ugly dogs. Cute dogs. Dogs are everywhere up here. This might seem like an odd topic but this has been one thing that I have thought quite unusual. I love dogs and I guess that is one reason that I have noticed all the dogs. Where we are staying is not a big touristy area but residential. So why shouldn't these people have dogs like all of us back home in Kentucky. I guess what is so unique is that some of these dogs are really big and they live in small quarters. Their owners are out walking them all the time and the doggies are doing their doggy business ( which there is no grass for potty time ~ just the sidewalk you walk on ).

I just can't see our Jack dog up here living in the big city. Dad noticed that these dogs don't bark at each other but I have to say I have heard them bark this week. The tiniest of the dogs will just start barking at the biggest dog passing him by. I know, not at all what you were expecting to read but I just had to write about the dogs.

We are almost home!! As much fun as we have had we are both ready to be back home in Bowling Green. Emma has had such a good time with her Ma Maw and Pa Paw and of course visiting Taylor, Lake, Aunt Mollie and Uncle Buck has been a big highlight for her. Thank you all so much for taking such good care of my sweet girl!!

Today has been a good day. Yesterday we walked down the block for breakfast and then the rest of the day was spent at the hotel. I just rested and prayed and concentrated on good thoughts of our embryo. Howie went out walking for part of the afternoon which was good. I wasn't much company laid up in the bed and there are so many neat areas close to our hotel. You can walk for blocks and it doesn't seem like you have gone that far but really you could have walked 30 blocks and it doesn't seem that far.

I have been reading and holding on to a passage in Psalms. Psalm 37:7 has a been my source of peace and hope while here in NYC. As I was resting in our room I was also resting in my Holy Father. The verse tells us to "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way". All Howie and I can do now is rest and be patient. June 30th is our next big day and for those in the IVF world can be the longest wait. You are analyzing every twinge and pain and one of the meds I am still on can mimic pregnancy symptoms. When I was pregnant with Emma and was waiting for the beta test I began having cramps. I knew from other gals who were going through IVF at the time that those cramps weren't necessarily a bad thing but then again it could have been. If only there could have been a different type of cramp so you would know if it meant you were pregnant or everything was coming to an end.

This has been an unbelievable journey and we are believing that we will be bringing home the best souvenir we could ever take with us. We thank you for being with us on this journey while we have been away from home. We can't wait to see all of you next week!!

Love and blessings ~
Lisa